Day 22 of 2017

Today had a lot of positives and was a very odd day for me. My wife’s youngest son came over to do laundry (a positive getting to see him). We had a good visit as usual. We asked him if he and his older bother had talked any more about moving in together. To our surprise they already have a date set and are looking for apartments. This is wonderful news because it means that the oldest will be moving back to Missouri and will be a lot closer then 2 1/2 hrs away. So during that visit the first odd part of my day came. Out of the blue he asked me if I was going to move back to Canada when his mom was gone (he asked this in front of her). It caught me totally off guard. It is something that has been popping in and out of my head but I have made no decisions either way. Then he showed us an angel wing pendant that holds some of your loved one’s ashes and their birthstone. It is something he is thinking of getting. He took some of her hair when she shaved it off during radiation. My wife got a call from our grandson asking if he and his dad could sleep over tomorrow night. It was a really cute call because you could hear him asking his dad what to say (he will be 8 in Mar).

After lunch my wife’s mother came for a visit – always a positive. She gave my wife a card from the church. Inside it was money that was given to the church at Christmas to give to someone they felt could use it. The church counsel decided my wife was that person. My wife’s family has been members of this church their whole lives. The church members were there helping her mom when her youngest was battling cancer and are there again while my wife battles it. It was a beautiful surprise for my wife. To add to the surprise my mother-in-law told my wife to think of something she really wants to do but can not afford to do. She said she wants to sponsor it for us. So my wife said she wants to go to a murder mystery dinner. We are hoping her mom will join us. I have been to one a very long time ago and they are a blast.

So the rest of the odd part of the day came in the form of a conversation with my wife. It was the kind of conversation that brings tears and it did. We ended up talking about what I might do after she is gone and how she doesn’t want me to be alone. Then she told me that in her gut she believes she will not be here at the end of this year or even Christmas. It is not her giving up in any way, it is just something she feels. Then I told her that I have had the same feeling myself. It is not that we are not staying hopeful or positive it is just a feeling we both have. This then brought up a conversation about God and faith. We don’t usually talk about religion at all. She admitted that her faith has been shaken. We talked about the surgery she may have and that it scared her. What if she doesn’t wake up from it (this relates to leaving me alone). Then the icing on the cake came after we watched a movie and she asked me a question. She asked me what would happen if she didn’t have the surgery. I told her what it would mean and she told me she is going to have it if it is offered and that she just wanted to know what would happen if she didn’t.

I did a few “system checks” with my wife before saying goodnight. I asked her if she had any headaches today – she did. I asked her if she felt her speech was worse, same, or better – same. I asked how her balance was – worse. I had her squeeze my hand and the weakness in her right hand is still very noticeable. I asked her if she wanted to go up 1 mg in the morning on the steroids – nope not yet. The higher dose of lasics seems to be helping and the swelling in her feet seemed to not be as bad, still there though. Unfortunately her blood sugar is on the rise again because of the increase in the steroids. It has gone from in the low 80’s fasting to 120 fasting. If it keeps rising I will have to up her insulin again. Another example of why she does not want to be on steroids or have them go up.

So I am happy that this really positive and odd day is coming to an end.

Thank you for walking with me on this chilly evening.

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