Letting Go

Blair and Brittany

This is my adopted son and daughter (in the middle is daughter’s girlfriend at the time), Blair on the left and Brittany on the right. We (me and my ex-wife) adopted them at birth. Their biological mother is my ex’s daughter – she was 15 at the time.

This picture was taken Aug 3rd, 2015. It would be one of the last pictures I will ever take of them. The time between then and now has not been easy. It has been very hard letting go of them. Below is the story that leads to this point – I will try to keep it short since it is a rather long, twisted story.

Just over 5 yrs ago my life took a drastic change from the path it was on. I was married to an addict (prescription pain killers), had 12 yr old twins, and 3 adult children (2 step, 1 biological). We had a nice 5 bedroom house in a great neighborhood. The kids went to a top rated school. The only kink in all of it was my ex’s addiction. I am not going to say I was happily married because I wasn’t.

It was Dec of 2010 that the first step was taken that would start the domino effect that would lead me to this post. It started with my stepdaughter wanting to find her father, which lead to her finding her uncle. Which it turned out was the lost love of my ex. They were reunited and he moved in to our home (I never knew she was in love with him at the time). All this took place in Dec. In Jan 2011 she told me we needed to get a divorce (this is when I found out she loved him). From there things just got worse. I ended up in a hotel and they ended up in the house with MY kids.

To keep this short – we ended up in court sometime that summer (2011). It did not end until the summer of 2013. By this time my stepdaughter had gained custody of the twins and they were now living a 12 hour drive away (about 3 states). Also during this time I met my wife (Aug 2011) and she changed my life. She has been by my side every step of the way and I am grateful for that every day. During this time I have only seen the twins once and that went very badly. My ex and her “mistake” had managed to turn them against me. My stepdaughter managed to change that some, but she also had her own agenda – which was pretty much getting the twins for herself.

So leap forward to 2015. I have been keeping in contact with the twins on a regular basis. They no longer consider me dad (that ended when my stepdaughter got custody of them and introduced the to their biological dad. Also the ex and her “mistake” and managed to mess with them on that too). We are all working at me being grandpa. Anyways, I have not been able to go see them this whole time because I just did not have the money (we live on my Canadian disability, which has taken a hit because of the exchange rate). We finally had the money to go for a visit in Aug of 2015. Everyone seemed excited about the visit. It was great being able to see them. I was getting used to being grandpa. They are now 16 and I had not been around them since they were 12 so there was some reconnecting that was taking place.

So we spent about 5 days there. Towards the end of the trip things seemed to have changed and not for the good. Brittany was spending less time at the house and seemed distant. Blair didn’t seem any different and him and I spent some time together. So we come to the night before we are due to leave. Brittany takes me outside to have a private talk with me. She basically ends up telling me that she no longer wants any further contact with me. When Blair gets home from work he does the same thing and tells me the same thing. It was the worst thing I have ever had done to me. We packed up the truck and headed home that night.

Since then I have been struggling with letting them go. I have gotten rid of all the pictures of them. I sent them the few baby pictures I had. Every time I find myself being able to just let it go I start to feel guilty. They did this to me, I did not do it to them. So this post is my final farewell so to speak. From this day forward they are totally gone. I can not keep torturing myself with what ifs and if only I had done this.

The really hard part comes when I am asked how many kids do I have. I really don’t know if I still count them as my kids. They don’t count me as their dad anymore, so maybe I should just let it go and not count them either.

Comments on this would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you for taking this walk with me.




2 thoughts on “Letting Go

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